I Thought I Was Doing Better

Several months ago, I lost a family member who was deeply important to me.

As a therapist, I have sat with many people as they navigated grief. I understand the theories, the research, and the many ways loss can shape our lives. Yet living through grief myself has reminded me that knowing about grief and experiencing it are very different things.

For a while, I believed I was doing better.

A few months after the loss, life felt more manageable. The sharp edges seemed to soften. I was able to focus on work, reconnect with daily routines, and move through most days without feeling overwhelmed. I thought perhaps I had reached a new stage of healing.

Then the waves returned.

Sometimes it is a room in the house. Sometimes it is a familiar place, an object, a song, or an ordinary moment that unexpectedly carries a memory. In those moments, grief can feel as present as it did in the beginning. There are times when I still find myself remembering my family member so vividly that, for a brief moment, it feels as though they are still part of the world around me.

As a therapist, I often remind clients that grief is not linear. Yet I have found myself surprised when my own grief refused to follow the path I expected. I imagined healing as a gradual movement away from pain. Instead, grief has revisited me again and again, often when I least expected it.

What this experience has taught me is that the return of grief does not mean I am back where I started.

The waves that come today are different from the waves that came in the early days of loss. They still hurt, but I no longer see them as signs that healing has stopped. Instead, they remind me that this family member mattered deeply enough to leave traces throughout my life—in places, routines, memories, and moments I never thought twice about before.

I do not want to forget those traces. While grief brings sadness, it also brings memories that I cherish. The return of grief reminds me not only of what I have lost, but also of what I was fortunate enough to have. It encourages me to hold those memories close and to appreciate the people who are still present in my life today.

As both a therapist and a person experiencing loss, I am learning that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeline that determines when someone should feel better, and there is no single path through healing. Grief asks different things of us at different times.

For me, this season has become a time of reflection. A time to remember. A time to learn. A time to honor a relationship that continues to shape me even in absence. And a time to heal—not by leaving grief behind, but by allowing it to become part of my ongoing story.

Perhaps healing is not about forgetting.

Perhaps healing is about remembering with love, making space for both sorrow and gratitude, and continuing forward while carrying the memories of those who mattered most.

May Do, LPC
Maydo@lightofstrengthcounseling.net
623-275-5283